But next week? I'll be watching the Oscars, of course. Speaking of which, I just filled out my ballot on facebook this week, if any of you have me on there and want to compare who has the most winners picked correctly. In all honesty, I just voted for what I wanted to win, not who I thought would win, just so I could see how many of my picks got the gold, but it might be interesting to compare with others' picks.
Anyway, since I know a lot of people haven't actually seen the nominees, and told me as much when I put them in my personal order of choice this past Monday, I thought I'd summarize the movies for all of you, so you could get a better idea what these Best Picture nominees are all about.
Say Quvenzhane Wallis three times real fast!
In this film, a small child named
Hushpuppy, living in a place called "The Bathtub," a literal giant
bathtub floating near New Orleans, must convince a herd of aurochs
living closest to the faucet side of the tub that their tradition of
throwing beads at female aurochs for sexual favors is wrong, because it
causes hurricanes.
She faces opposition from an auroch named
Jim-Bob, who insists that she is being ridiculous and that only anal sex
has ever led to natural disasters.
Finally, Hushpuppy and Jim-Bob learn to get
along after discovering that really, it's people that touch themselves
at night that cause tornadoes, ladies of the night working street
corners that cause hurricanes, and transgendered individuals holding
sporting events that cause volcanoes.
The film has been awarded the "Major Achievement in Bringing Scientific Truth to Hollywood" trophy by Liberty University.
You will believe that a tiger on a boat can get a bit dull
After being shipwrecked, an Indian boy and a
tiger named Richard Parker must learn to cope with boredom, hunger, and
as the young boy is a vegetarian due to a mix of religions that makes
absolutely no goddamn sense, eating stale biscuits.
The two become good friends over a game of poker and, exhausted from a day out at sea, decide to watch Ang Lee's Hulk as it plays on a small DVD device with a screen the young man forgot he had.
The two agree that while the CGI effects
were impressive for the time, the middle part could have used some
editing, and fall asleep, the rest of the movie depicting, in real time,
their drift to shore.
"If we take some skin from your butt, and inject it into your face, you might look like you're not dying after all."
In this movie, a couple crotchety
grandparents try to get both their grandchildren and a pesky camera crew
to leave them alone while they slowly die.
They are mostly unsuccessful, but do manage
to keep the final product of the camera crew's efforts from reaching
anyone who lives in the United States outside of the New York and Los
Angeles areas.
"I like redheads, but I'm more of an ass man myself. I don't know if I can trust a skinny woman."
In this story, based on the firsthand
accounts of several people the film crew never actually met with, it's
discovered that one of Osama bin Laden's tapes references a South Park
episode that declares gingers have no souls.
When a CIA agent played by Jessica Chastain
sees this, she flies a military helicopter into bin Laden's hideout by
herself, cripples and kills several people inside using only a baseball
bat, waterboads the ones still living, then drinks the blood of them and
Osama after slowly finishing the job with a butter knife.
It's a powerful tale of why no one should ever fuck with a redheaded woman.
Remember Face/Off with Nicolas Cage?
He probably doesn't.
In this biopic about every cracked.com
reader's life, Robert DiNero plays a gambling Philidelphia Eagles fan
with OCD, Jennifer Lawrence sleeps around after rebounding from her
significant other's recent death, Bradley Cooper is bipolar, and Chris
Tucker is the only black guy I remember seeing.
The only complaint from most fans is the
questionably unethical decision to replace what actually happened with a
happy ending, and a new relationship, when it actually involved Bradley
Cooper's character being friend-zoned and Lawrence's real-life
counterpart sleeping with an Abercrombie & Fitch model she said was
an annoying douchebag just a week ago.
He ate peanut butter sandwiches before every take to get that voice
Based on the Broadway musical adapted from
the novel, Tom Hooper shows how the French opposed their government by
building a slightly-larger-than-average fort made of wooden objects on
one small street corner, then being easily killed in protest.
It also features Anne Hatheaway cutting her
hair, Hugh Jackman making Russel Crowe his bitch by way of traditional
Australian singing contest, and a few documentary clips of Sacha Baren
Cohen at his day job as a 19th century French inkeeper.
Joe Biden's Take on a Romney Presidency
In this movie, Quentin Tarantino ditches
his script and just lets Samuel L. Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz,
and Leonardo DiCaprio play themselves.
After filming, the shocked cast and crew,
along with the state of Louisiana, decided never to let Leonardo
DiCaprio do that again.
Obviously, by "that," no one is implying
DiCaprio is actually a slaver, but that it is simply indecent for a man
to drink out of a coconut with a straw in it in front of other men.
Everyone was a little creeped out by it.
Four Score and Seven Years Ago, people misheard me and thought by "vampires" I meant "black people"
In this movie, Daniel Day Lewis disappears
into and practically becomes a man, while Tommy Lee Jones plays himself
and manages to get the 13th Amendment passed by doing so and hurling
southern-sounding insults.
Also, James Spader is a slimy lobbyist, and
Joseph Gordon Levitt plays an earnest wanna-be Confederate soldier or
cop or young buck criminal or something.
Like with Tarantino's Django,
Spielberg just decided to let everyone play themselves and see what
stuck, but ultimately edited out the final scene in which Tommy Lee
Jones becomes a vampire, as it was deemed innaccurate and insensitive.
Interesting Fact: "Argo fuck
yourself" was actually the standard greeting used by construction
workers in Boston, Massachussets, well before the film's release
Finally, in this period piece about the
Carter presidency, John Goodman finally gets to live out his dream as a
make-up designer, Bryan Cranston is still playing the dad from Malcolm in the Middle,
but as if he were a CIA agent, Alan Arkin walks on set several times to
tell people to go fuck themselves, and Affleck decides to leave it in,
while himself promoting longtime friend Matt Damon's liberal ideals by
stealing the job of a Latino man.
The twist ending involves a rag-tag group
of wild and wacky Canadians beating a team of Iranians at a game of
curling to win both the Iranian hostages, and the heart of Sandra
Bullock.
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