Tuesday, February 26, 2013

BaD Satire Saturday: Oscar Edition My Lame Attemp at Humorous Reviews, When I Got Nothing Feb 16, 2013 3:01PM PST

Tonight, I'll be seeing Steven Sodherberg's (I'm almost certain that spelling is incorrect, but I already have three tabs open on buggy ass 1up, so I'm not looking it up) supposed "last" film, Side Effects, starring Chaning Tatum, Catherine Zeta Jones and other people I can't bother to imdb right now.
But next week? I'll be watching the Oscars, of course. Speaking of which, I just filled out my ballot on facebook this week, if any of you have me on there and want to compare who has the most winners picked correctly. In all honesty, I just voted for what I wanted to win, not who I thought would win, just so I could see how many of my picks got the gold, but it might be interesting to compare with others' picks.
Anyway, since I know a lot of people haven't actually seen the nominees, and told me as much when I put them in my personal order of choice this past Monday, I thought I'd summarize the movies for all of you, so you could get a better idea what these Best Picture nominees are all about.
Say Quvenzhane Wallis three times real fast!
In this film, a small child named Hushpuppy, living in a place called "The Bathtub," a literal giant bathtub floating near New Orleans, must convince a herd of aurochs living closest to the faucet side of the tub that their tradition of throwing beads at female aurochs for sexual favors is wrong, because it causes hurricanes.
She faces opposition from an auroch named Jim-Bob, who insists that she is being ridiculous and that only anal sex has ever led to natural disasters.
Finally, Hushpuppy and Jim-Bob learn to get along after discovering that really, it's people that touch themselves at night that cause tornadoes, ladies of the night working street corners that cause hurricanes, and transgendered individuals holding sporting events that cause volcanoes.
The film has been awarded the "Major Achievement in Bringing Scientific Truth to Hollywood" trophy by Liberty University.
You will believe that a tiger on a boat can get a bit dull
After being shipwrecked, an Indian boy and a tiger named Richard Parker must learn to cope with boredom, hunger, and as the young boy is a vegetarian due to a mix of religions that makes absolutely no goddamn sense, eating stale biscuits.
The two become good friends over a game of poker and, exhausted from a day out at sea, decide to watch Ang Lee's Hulk as it plays on a small DVD device with a screen the young man forgot he had.
The two agree that while the CGI effects were impressive for the time, the middle part could have used some editing, and fall asleep, the rest of the movie depicting, in real time, their drift to shore.
"If we take some skin from your butt, and inject it into your face, you might look like you're not dying after all."
In this movie, a couple crotchety grandparents try to get both their grandchildren and a pesky camera crew to leave them alone while they slowly die.
They are mostly unsuccessful, but do manage to keep the final product of the camera crew's efforts from reaching anyone who lives in the United States outside of the New York and Los Angeles areas.
"I like redheads, but I'm more of an ass man myself. I don't know if I can trust a skinny woman."
In this story, based on the firsthand accounts of several people the film crew never actually met with, it's discovered that one of Osama bin Laden's tapes references a South Park episode that declares gingers have no souls.
When a CIA agent played by Jessica Chastain sees this, she flies a military helicopter into bin Laden's hideout by herself, cripples and kills several people inside using only a baseball bat, waterboads the ones still living, then drinks the blood of them and Osama after slowly finishing the job with a butter knife.
It's a powerful tale of why no one should ever fuck with a redheaded woman.
Remember Face/Off with Nicolas Cage?
He probably doesn't.
In this biopic about every cracked.com reader's life, Robert DiNero plays a gambling Philidelphia Eagles fan with OCD, Jennifer Lawrence sleeps around after rebounding from her significant other's recent death, Bradley Cooper is bipolar, and Chris Tucker is the only black guy I remember seeing.
The only complaint from most fans is the questionably unethical decision to replace what actually happened with a happy ending, and a new relationship, when it actually involved Bradley Cooper's character being friend-zoned and Lawrence's real-life counterpart sleeping with an Abercrombie & Fitch model she said was an annoying douchebag just a week ago.
He ate peanut butter sandwiches before every take to get that voice
Based on the Broadway musical adapted from the novel, Tom Hooper shows how the French opposed their government by building a slightly-larger-than-average fort made of wooden objects on one small street corner, then being easily killed in protest.
It also features Anne Hatheaway cutting her hair, Hugh Jackman making Russel Crowe his bitch by way of traditional Australian singing contest, and a few documentary clips of Sacha Baren Cohen at his day job as a 19th century French inkeeper.
Joe Biden's Take on a Romney Presidency
In this movie, Quentin Tarantino ditches his script and just lets Samuel L. Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, and Leonardo DiCaprio play themselves.
After filming, the shocked cast and crew, along with the state of Louisiana, decided never to let Leonardo DiCaprio do that again.
Obviously, by "that," no one is implying DiCaprio is actually a slaver, but that it is simply indecent for a man to drink out of a coconut with a straw in it in front of other men. Everyone was a little creeped out by it.
Four Score and Seven Years Ago, people misheard me and thought by "vampires" I meant "black people"
In this movie, Daniel Day Lewis disappears into and practically becomes a man, while Tommy Lee Jones plays himself and manages to get the 13th Amendment passed by doing so and hurling southern-sounding insults.
Also, James Spader is a slimy lobbyist, and Joseph Gordon Levitt plays an earnest wanna-be Confederate soldier or cop or young buck criminal or something. 
Like with Tarantino's Django, Spielberg just decided to let everyone play themselves and see what stuck, but ultimately edited out the final scene in which Tommy Lee Jones becomes a vampire, as it was deemed innaccurate and insensitive.
Interesting Fact: "Argo fuck yourself" was actually the standard greeting used by construction workers in Boston, Massachussets, well before the film's release
Finally, in this period piece about the Carter presidency, John Goodman finally gets to live out his dream as a make-up designer, Bryan Cranston is still playing the dad from Malcolm in the Middle, but as if he were a CIA agent, Alan Arkin walks on set several times to tell people to go fuck themselves, and Affleck decides to leave it in, while himself promoting longtime friend Matt Damon's liberal ideals by stealing the job of a Latino man.
The twist ending involves a rag-tag group of wild and wacky Canadians beating a team of Iranians at a game of curling to win both the Iranian hostages, and the heart of Sandra Bullock.

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