Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Spoiler Free Side Effects and Blockbuster Summaries Spoiler-Free Mini-Review Feb 17, 2013 10:55PM PST

They're not suspicious of each other, they just have no idea where the fuck that floating Red Cross came from. Except Catherine Zeta-Jones who's preocuppied with either Jude Law or Bugs Bunny.
Yes, Side Effects is a spantacularly awesometastic Inception of "what a twists!" but I can't tell you why other than to say every actor from Channing Tatum to Jude Law to the one Ugandan kid at the start are at the very top of their game, the script seems tight (I at least noticed no plot holes), and the directing is great; as well it should be for Steven Soderberg's "last" film.
Without spoiling it, let me say the first half is rather slow and seems like a heavy-handed message movie, but stick with it and what you'll be left with is, for me at least quite literally, an edge-of-your-seat mystery thriller.
And that's all I can really say without spoilers. If you've seen it and want to talk about it, message me.
But I can't leave Movie Monday so sparse the week before Oscar Night, now can I? But I already did my humorous summaries of the Best Picture Oscar nominees on my Saturday blog (in case you missed it, I'm pretty proud of how it turned out, so go read it if you want a chuckle), so what else can I do?
Why summaries of the non-Oscar movies some of you may have actually seen, of course! I'll mark any with spoilers, don't fret.
So here are my summaries of last year's top nine highest grossing movies of 2012, in order of how much they made according to BoxOfficeMojo.com. Why nine? Cause that's how many Best Picture nominees there are this year, I'm not very creative.
1. Marvel's The Avengers (Spoilers!)
In this billion-dollar grossing megabuster, fans returned in droves to see Robert Downy Jr. play Sherlock Holmes once again, only this time in the future, with a military grade red suit and an off-screen Futurama-style disembodied head version of Watson he now refers to as "Jarvis," due to years of heavy drinking.
Rather than solve crimes, once an alien race decides to invade earth, Holmes must team up with figments of his imagination like the Jolly Green Giant, G.I. Joe wearing American flag spandex, Thor, and for some reason a guy with some arrows and a woman wearing impractical fetish leather.
It's revealed at the end that it was all some kind of heroin-induced fever dream, or at least that's what audiences got out of that random purple guy no one knows about at the end; because who sees that shit without heroin? While comic book fans continue to try and convince everyone that's some guy named Thanos, the rest of us know better.
Shaq, you tried being a comic book character already, just stop
2. The Dark Knight Rises
The beginning of this movie features main villain Bane hijacking a plane.
The rest of the movie is spent at a Congressional hearing about what process lead to the hiring of complete jackasses for the CIA that let him do so, and includes some of the following questions:
"Did they put the bag on over his head with their backs turned, how did they not know it was Bane? Are they retarded?"
"Why in the fuck would you go on a plane ride with hostages if you're going to question them about things you could learn on the ground more easily?"
"That Bane guy gets that where forensics are at now, he pretty much wasted a guy's life, right? We know there was someone in the wreckage."
Then Joe Biden asks a question regarding how he can get cable television to run in a dry well that's 30,000 feet below ground and the rest of the movie is a hearing regarding that creepy fucking question.
What? I'm just having a Superbowl party down there!
3. The Hunger Games

When the tyrannical Capitol realizes that putting on a massive sporting event every year to kill off only a few of the impoverished people from the districts is getting too expensive, they decide to shake the live cameras covering the event really fast in order to try and kill off some of the elderly population by way of motion-sickness-induced purging.
Turns out, it's a dumb plan, and only serves to give District members a mild headache.
Jesus Christ, it looks like that sober?!
4. Skyfall
Being ill-trained and out of shape then stupidly sent on a physically demanding high-stakes espionage mission, Bond dies, the end.
Doesn't Matter, Had Sex
5. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
It's literally three hours of an argument with Gandalf that if they had just used the fucking eagles as a means of traveling to start with, they could easily have finished their journey in one movie.
Dwarves are like velociraptors; as long as I don't move they won't see me
6. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II
It's the epic conclusion to Stephenie Meyer's popular book and movie franchise, and thespian Michael Sheen gives zero fucks about that fact, as you can see:
I'm a Volturi, bitch!
Also giving zero fucks, the rest of the cast and crew just kind of let him have the out-of-place suit and glowstick cane, and say it was all a dream at the end.
7. The Amazing Spider-Man
Moreso than even Raimi's entries, Andrew Webb's maintenance of Sony's properties decides to really hit home the point of Peter Parker's impoverished surroundings by constantly showing him in a school that clearly can't afford electricity.
Also, they give Denis Leary a badge and a shotgun, because they're poor enough to be that desperate for cops. And yes, it is worth watching for that alone.
New York's Finest: An asshole that parks in handicapped spaces
8. Brave
A redhead girl turns into a bear because that's what happens when you fuck with redheads.
Don't. Fuck. With. Redheads.
What you say about my mama?
I'm about to get Kodak on yo ass!

9. Ted
In this biopic about Mark Wahlberg's life, he smokes weed with a teddy bear in his apartment, watching Flash Gordon all day while still managing to bone hot Hollywood actresses while "Good Vibrations" plays in the background.
Twilight werewolf Taylor Lautner's true story is also featured at the end.
Hey baby, wanna see my "funky bunch?"

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