Biblical stories: True Meanings Jul 23, 2007 10:46PM PST

I'll comment everyone back once 1up speeds the hell up! Or when clicking that bar to add the Adobe thingy I'm asked about here actually gives me the damn Adobe thingy! In the meantime, check out myspace.com/thecolorviolence for my good ol' guitar riffage and here are some passages from the bible as clarified by me (why am I so funny when I'm on religious subjects like my old Ten Commandments blog? Cause I'm Irish Catholic, an ancient religion invented mostly for kicks.... and punches... and children; all 3 of which are connected in very sad, sad ways) Adam and Eve Summary: God makes man and woman. Puts poisonous apple tree in the middle of the forest as an experiment. Tells people do not eat from tree. Woman eats from tree when Satan salamander tells her to. Tells Adam to eat it too and Adam does. People become embarassed of nakedness and get kicked out of heaven. Misinterpretation: It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! Actual Interpretation: Written by ancient Greek philosophers who all thought of themselves as God (re: gay mysogonists), the real message was that at least Steve wouldn't have been such a conniving bitch. For good measure though, they did use Adam as an analogy for straight men that turned them down, making him a complete dumbass who did what Eve said before he knew she was showing him the goods. David and Goliath Summary: Big, muscular Goliath torments town. Little David throws rock at Goliath. Goliath goes down hard. Town loves David. Misinterpretation: The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Actual Interpretation: If someone is bigger than you, use trajectile weaponry. After all, retarded brutes are what guns are for. Samson and his mighty hair Summary: Samson has power because of his hair. Hot girl wants him to cut it. He does. Samson loses his power. Misinterpretation: Lust drains you of power. Actual Interpretation: Quite simply, God predicted a downfall in the quality of Metallica's music in the 90s-00s a long damn time ago. Also, Johnny Damon's money-spangled offer to come to the dark side (Yankees) ultimately landed him on what would become a lesser team, partly as a result of a million-dollar player doing absolutely nothing (A. Rod, as it turns out those of us in Texas are starting to question if maybe you were what made the team bad?). Also, he cut his hair. He used to be part of the team that caused Global Warming (yes, Red Sox wins are far more responsible for that than CO2 emmisions, undisputably) but not any more. But mainly the message is that God is a rebel and wants you to defy your mom's claims to get a haircut. Pretty big Beastie Boys fan too. More to come