Friday, February 22, 2013

It's that time of month again(SPOILER FREE!) Mar 14, 2007 12:56AM PST

No, Britney Spears didn't just reenter rehab(by the way, does anyone think celebrity rehab looks more like your dreamhouse than a place for crackheads? Show of hands, who else would totally start a drug habit if it meant you got to end up there for a few months?)

It's the EGM skimmed over review! Only commenting stuff that stood out to me/the regular features!

Cover~ Not anywhere near as captivating as last month's PS3 tomato bashing.

Just a very simple image of robot Clank strapped to mammal-thingy Ratchet's back. And the setup of text makes the front feel cluttered.

Editorial~ Shoe tributes his underlings. Nice thought.... but I still say Shoe's running out of ideas.

Letters~ More funny than pretentious two-months running. Let's keep it that way. And yes indeed, chicks love Wiis. oooh, check out the funny pun I made.

One-year follow-up to Moore interview about 360~ seems more friendly this go-around but still asks the hard pressing questions. Keep up the good work EGM.

We Are the World?~ A very interesting look at what other countries play. Not surprisingly, FIFA>Madden everywhere else but more interesting facts such as Brazil games costing the equivalent of 330 US bucks made this a cool nonregular feature. Also: Antarctica plays Tecmo Bowl in the year 2007.

Hardest to play songs for Guitar Hero(as in on a real guitar) actual guitarist Marcus Henderson~

5. "Hangar 18"(Megadeth) - "one of the gnarliest call and response solos ever laid to tape" indeed. I know the riff but I'm reluctant to even LOOK at those damn ending solos.

4. "No One Knows"(QOTSA)- It sounds pretty easy to me but apparently Josh homme(QOTSA singer/guitarist) hits the strings just a certain way.

Not to self: before getting the "3 broken strings" Marcus does, be satisfied if when you play it it sounds close enough. Exact emulation makes for boring covers anyhow.

3. "Heart-Shaped Box"(Nirvana)- why this or really any Nirvana song for that matter would appear on a "hard to play" list escapes me but apparently Marcus's "artfully playing off notes on purpose" made it so.... and I'm starting to think maybe that's why phantamimes thought it was a horrible cover.

2. "Institutionalized"- i uh... don't know this song at all.

1. "Cowboys From Hell"- An advanced piece for sure, but I would have thought Hangar 18 would be a lot more intimidating.

Mushroom Kingdom Hearts~ They're adding Nintendo characters into the mix?! This Wii exclusive will be nigh-friggin' unstoppable on the sales charts!(EDIT: probably an April Fool. Has anyone ever noticed how EGM's April Fools would totally make sense/be awesome for studios.... outside of LOTR:Kart Racing. I never noticed that was April Fool cause I never cared to begin with haha)

5 Lives Keiji Inafune~ Haha, Megaman 1's art is indeed more tragic than the Titanic.

And that's as far as I've gotten. Now for a completely pointless review of a completely pointless film:

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Will Farrel plays a conceited actor named Jack Wyatt who's last film didn't do so hot. Nichole Kidman plays a very naive blonde witch with a proud warlock daddy who happens to be Michael Caine.

Farrel's character wants to do a Bewitched remake but with absolutely no shots of the wife. How that would work I don't lknow but apparently Wyatt thinks that'll boost his career again.

Kidman's character wants to stop being a witch so she can know what it's truly like to be in love.... with jackass Jack Wyatt.

Bewitched is a classic case of star-studded cast that burns out because the writing gods just didn't give a crap, they got their checks in the mail either way thanks to the faces they slapped on screen.

Farrel can be a lovable jerk and funny to boot(see: Ricky Bobby) but here he's so obnoxious he just irritates you. Kidman is so naive you almost want to twist the tubes of the next person you see who resembles her, afraid any such person might reproduce.

Caine is a likeable enough character, but that's because he's Caine. He doesn't have a big enough role to save this piece of garbage. His lady friend in the later half of the film is also a refreshing relief of nonobnoxious female, but Kidman's dumbass bag of bleach headed bones far outweighs that presence of anything remotely resembling an halfway intelligent woman.

Also wasted are James Lipton and Steve Carell. They get Farell in a shot next to the notorious asskisser(who Farrel played on SNL) and the most they do with it is get Farrel's nose twitching. And Steve Carell shows up only near the very end of the film and has a wierd voice and nothing funny to say.

To the film's credit, it's only an hour and a half long so at least it doesn't waste THAT much of your life. There are a couple funny moments such as when Kidman gets angry and makes Farrel's character begin speaking in Spanish, but these laughs are few and far between and don't win out over the pure silence of most of the film.

The movie can really be summed up in the brilliant words of Family Guy's Stewie:

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